A marriage can be full of love and still be pulling in two directions.
I have seen it in homes I admire. Two good people. Two strong wills. Two calendars, two agendas, two sets of expectations, all under one roof. Nobody is a villain. Everybody is tired. Somewhere along the way, the home stopped feeling like a refuge and started feeling like a negotiation.
This week I listened to sermons from Dr. Tony Evans on the family, and one word resonated: alignment. Not agreement on everything. Alignment. A husband and wife facing the same direction, toward God, together.
Here is the truth. Most of the chaos in our homes is not a personality problem. It is an alignment problem.
God’s answer to the alignment problem is a short song with a big promise: Psalm 128. It describes a blessing, and the blessing has an order.
Psalm 128
A song of ascents.
1 Blessed are all who fear the LORD,
who walk in obedience to him.
2 You will eat the fruit of your labor;
blessings and prosperity will be yours.
3 Your wife will be like a fruitful vine
within your house;
your children will be like olive shoots
around your table.
4 Yes, this will be the blessing
for the man who fears the LORD.
Notice the order. It begins with one person who takes God seriously. Then it moves to the marriage, and then to the children around the table. Dr. Evans pointed out that the psalm keeps widening, from the home to the church, and finally to the city and the nation. Individual. Family. Church. Society.
That is how God builds. From the bottom up. From the heart, to the home, to the nation.
We want Washington fixed. God wants our homes aligned. As Dr. Evans put it, the breakdown in America doesn’t start in the White House. It starts in our house.
Kingdom Manhood: It Starts With the Man
Now, men, lean in. This part is for us. (Wives, you are not forgotten. Your part is coming in a subsequent post, and it is just as beautiful.)
When everything went sideways in the Garden, God did not call out, “Adam and Eve, where are you?” He called to Adam. “But the LORD God called to the man, ‘Where are you?'” (Genesis 3:9)
That question still reverberates in every home.
Biblical headship is not a title. It is a responsibility. It is not a throne. It is a load. Dr. Evans said it plainly: even when a husband is not to blame, he is still responsible. That is what it means to lead. You own it.
Men, here is the part we need to understand. A kingdom man leads because he is first under authority. He fears God, and he takes God’s Word seriously enough to obey it. A man who will not let God tell him what to do has no business telling anyone else what to do. Alignment starts with the man getting under God.
So how does a husband lead? Paul answers in one sentence.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (Ephesians 5:25)
How did Christ love the church? To death. Dr. Evans had a great line: “If you are still alive, you are not finished loving yet.”
Love is a decision before it is a feeling. Biblical love is passionately, righteously, sacrificially pursuing the well-being of another. Feelings are welcome. But love starts with a decision, and it shows up on the days the emotions don’t.
Ephesians 5 paints three pictures of what that love looks like in a husband for his wife.
- He is her savior. Not her Savior with a capital S. That job is taken. But he lays himself down for her good. Remember the promises you made when you were dating? You would protect her. Carry her. Lift her out of whatever weighed her down. That wasn’t just romance. It was Scripture.
- He is her sanctifier. To sanctify means to set apart as special. She is honored. A kingdom husband treats his wife that way, and over time, love helps her become all God made her to be. Yes, you married her history. She married yours too. Grace works both ways.
- He is her satisfier. He nourishes and cherishes her. Peter tells husbands to “be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect.” (1 Peter 3:7) That means listening. Really listening.
The Thermostat and the Thermometer
Dr. Evans offered an analogy every husband needs to understand.
You are the thermostat. She is the thermometer. The thermostat sets the temperature. The thermometer tells you what it reads.
Gentlemen, what temperature are you setting with your words, your tone, and your time? She will often rise to the value you place on her.
As I reflected on that, it reminded me of an example from my own marriage. I married my high school sweetheart on July 30, 1994. She was 25 years old, and I was 24. Back then, I was not a good thermostat. It took me a while to reach a proper set point.
It was not until I learned to prioritize being present with her in the moment (being where my feet are) that I liked the room temperature she was reflecting.
Being present means not letting my mind wander. It means not being distracted by my phone. It means being able to carry on the conversation with her where she has my full attention, and she’s doing 90% of the talking, and I’m actively listening.
Until I moved and became a good thermostat, the two of us really didn’t become one. Genesis reminds us of the original design.
“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)
Look at who moves first. The man leaves. The man is united. The two don’t become one until the man moves.
When she sees him leading, owning, serving, and treating her as special, something beautiful happens. She can rest. She can cling, and climb, and flourish.
Psalm 128 calls her a fruitful vine. If you’ve ever had to deal with a vine in your garden, you know that a vine needs three things. It must cling to a sturdy post. It must climb that post toward the sun. Only then does it grow fruit. Give a vine nothing to cling to, and it drags in the dirt. Give it a strong, steady post, and it bears a harvest.
Men, be the post.
Where to Begin This Week
“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:12)
Two people pulling in two directions will fray. Two people pulling in one direction, wrapped around a third strand who is God Himself, will hold.
If your marriage feels more like a tug-of-war than a three-strand cord, you are not too far gone. You can’t fix yesterday, but you can choose today. Here are three small steps to start this week:
- Get under God first. Spend fifteen minutes in His Word each morning, before the phone and before the news. The Family Wins Devotional is a simple place to start, and you can read it together. Get your free copy here: The Family Wins Devotional – MindWolves.
- Set the temperature. Walk in the door warm. Be where your feet are.
- Own it. Find one thing at home that has drifted out of order and take responsibility for it, without blame.
Husbands, the question still echoes from the Garden. Where are you?
May our answer be the same as Isaiah’s answer, “Here am I. Send me!” (Isaiah 6:8), and may we also say with Joshua, “But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, … But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.” (Joshua 24:15)
Feed the Good Wolf. 🐺
Inspired by Dr. Tony Evans’ sermons, “The Spheres of the Kingdom Agenda” and “Becoming a Kingdom Husband.“